It is summer!

This is the time of the year when I feel more connected with everything, I feel more creative and my being is more fluid. This year though, I don't feel it quite much, I'm in a transition phase in my life and my professional life isn't settled yet, so with no stability in that area I don't feel stable in anything, my mind runs away completely from my artistic self to my "problems". 
This half year has been a little rough in terms of finding a new job, staying motivated, enjoying my life, everything that I taught myself in 2016 has been quite lost.
This is how I work, in 2016 I reached a point in my life that I felt quite stable although I knew that stability was "false" because it had a fixed end.
In 2016 I learned that what I need is stability in my life in order to feel happy, to feel connected with my surroundings because without big worries I can enjoy my personal life, grow and evolve.
Of course, problems will always exist, no one's life is perfect, but there are problems and problems and some problems are not so important.
With that said and hoping that this makes some sense, this might be the start of a new journey in a new professional place. It's not quite what I wanted but I'm getting closer.
At least I will earn a little more money and possibly I can be more stable in my personal life, I can save some money for the things that I really want, and then possibly that helps me to have more material to start creating more with more quality.

Photo by Fernando Reyes on Unsplash

Toxic people and how to not let them affect your HAPPINESS

Photo by SHTTEFAN on Unsplash

In a perfect world, everyone would get along, would be respectful, would be kind.

We don't live in a perfect world and with 25 years of experiences in this life, I've learned that we weren't born to please everyone, of course, and some people can be disrespectful and mean, just for the sake of it, some people are just toxic.
Some have themselves a shitty life and the only moment they feel happiness and pleasure are those moments on a day that they try to make others feel like them or worst than them.
When you are a peaceful, kind person just trying to live your life, and reached a peaceful inner state of mind, where you don't want any drama, you simply don't want to deal with those people.
You aren't trying to hurt anybody, you try your best to do your best, to be your best.

Unfortanly people like this will appear in your life and you will have to deal with them, you can try to give the benefit of doubt in one day or two when this happens, but trust your instincts, if you really feel that someone isn't a good person don't try to fix them, don't even bother to get along.
You have to know what is best for you, and if you know that one person is a negative person or feel like it's a toxic person that probably will hurt you, get a step back, that person doesn't deserve you, doesn't deserve your kindness, your time, your spirit peace.

You might think that is your fault because they will make you think that way, that is you that make all the mistakes, that is you that is not enough, that you are too young to understand anything.
Don't let those people affect your inner balance, question your balance, your worth.
Like I said, usually, people that try to make others feel bad for the simple things, or make others feel like they don't do enough or are not worthy, people that are always judging others, have a shitty life, all they feel is frustration about their lives, they already accommodated to a certain type of life that doesn't make them happy, they feel insecure about themselves. That's why they feel the need to judge other, criticize others, at the end of the day they are not truly happy.


But be aware, most of this people try to appear like they are great persons with all the knowledge about everything, they seem to carry you in their hearts, they act like they are protecting you from something, but at the first opportunity they have they will make  something to harm you, that's when their mask falls out.
It can be difficult at first to stand for yourself, it can be hard to defend yourself, it might be hard to go away from those people, but if you feel that relationship isn't working, that is affecting your inner peace or is making you unhappy, step way, find people that really matter, that fit you, that what you take out of that relationship is happiness, that you feel good around those people.

You have the choice to be happy, you have the right to pursue your happiness and what people you want with you in this journey called life.
Be kind, stand for yourself and your happiness!

Photo by SHTTEFAN on Unsplash

I am ME!

Will I ever find my true self?
Will I ever glue the remain broken pieces and became a whole?
In the end of the day who am I?
Did I ever felt like myself, comfortable in my own skin in these past 25 years of life? 
Yes, for a tiny amount of time and I almost reached a point of true self-confidence.
Then I failed myself, I was too dreamy, too utopic for living in the real world, and the "real" world gave me a slap in the face.
Wake up little girl, is time to grow!
I found myself trying to please everyone, losing myself with fear of failing again.
I locked the dreamy girl in darkness surrounded by voices telling her, she wasn't pretty enough, she wasn't good enough, you have no passion in life, you don't deserve the person that you love the most.
She believed it, and darkness, tears, anger, turned into her house, she never thought she could possibly get out of that.
So, I focused on my job, my job was the only thing that I was because I needed so much to conquer something out of this job. 
When the company closed doors, I felt so lost, who am I now? 
I've learned that everything happens for a reason, so maybe this was a good thing. If I  still was working in there I never had the chance to live new experiences.
Day after day I started to wake up, question who I was. 
Did I wanted to live in a dark place the rest of my life, crying on a daily basis, not being able to see the beauty the world was offering to me, the good things I've conquered so far, the fact that yes, I've failed but I never gave up, I made mistakes but I've learned with them.
Did I want to live my life blind, unhappy, while I had so much to be happy for?
I guess when you live your life believing that sadness is the normal way you get addicted to it, it gets comfortable, it's hard to get out of it.
2016 wasn't a bad year, was a year of lessons, reborn, awakening.
This year 2017, with high and low points, I'm trying to not lose my focus, I'm trying to not go back to my comfortable side. I'm trying to fight so hard because I don't want to get back, I want to conquer something, to reach my goals, to still grow this little girl out, she isn't locked away anymore, she a part of me, always will be.
I'm still finding myself, I don't like to label myself because I am just ME!
A girl in constant moving, in constant evolution, but some things, despite all the changes, remain the same that's the basis of who I am, that's the part I got to know about myself, the rest I'm still learning, I'm still growing roots, probably in the next 25 years old I will figure out much more about myself, I will change more, I will learn more, and probably I will never be a whole, but I will never leave being me!

How long do you take to grow up/mature?

So, lately, I'm wondering a lot about this and I've been doing this question to myself a lot, maybe because I realized that I've finally reached another level in my growing process.
Now that I know what I really want to do with my life, I've been doing the steps to get what I want and I don't wonder as much as I did in past.
Off curse sometimes I feel lost or stuck along the way but is not so much as I don't know who am I or where do I belong, is more like what I can do to reach my goals in life, what I can do to overcome the obstacles.

With that said, did I finally get enough maturity?
I can say that yes, it took me 25 years to finally settle myself and not wonder so much about what I want in life, who am I or where do I belong.
When things go hard in my life I just don't give up so easily, because now I've gained a lot of tools to make things right or at least now I try.
Now I think about the consequences of my actions, I just don't go like: oh! fuck it, I'll think about it later!
First I think about it, over and over again, should I do this, is this better for me, can I lose something if I go this way, will I gain something with it, because you learn with your mistakes along the way, right? I did this mistake in my past, I would do things first and then I would think about the consequences and basically, I've hit rock bottom, so now that I've achieved so much in my life, obviously, I don't want to lose it, now I really care about my life and I have both feet firmly planted on the ground.
Of course, this doesn't mean that I can't dream a bit and imagine things in a different way, but nowadays I set my dreams more like realistic goals, like for example getting a better job, a full-time job, or save money to get a better house or at least to pay the bills and food. 
These are my priorities right now, to reach realistic goals instead of trying to live in a perfect world that only exists in my own head. 

Off course I will continue to mature and realize a lot of things that I don't right know, but for now, I'm very happy with how much I evolved in this fucking journey called life, and yes I've needed some help along the way I didn't learn every single thing on my own, but I didn't have anyone trying to control me or forcing me to be in a certain way or do a certain thing, that doesn't really work with me, I don't like being controlled or told to do things, instead, I had someone giving me advice, letting me doing my mistakes and learn with them, because when you trying to figure it out who the fuck are you or what's your fucking purpose of being here, it's very normal that you'll make some mistakes.
I had someone that gave me that time but always helping me. 
I changed from being like, I can't care less too, ok I really care, because I was forced to do it or I would never leave the bottom, the problem was and now what? How do I deal with this "adult" me?

For a long time, I just fight against myself and probably with everyone around me. 
When finally I started to accept my new me and that what I needed in order to live and be happy was a stable life, I started to accept my responsibilities and know what I had to make in order to be stable.
That relies on having a job, to make money and be able of having a house, food and pay my bills, those are my responsibilities, the rest is a bonus, going shopping, going on vacations, going to the beach.Because without money I can't do those things.
But the past me didn't think this way and well...

So, to me, it took 24/25 years to be quite stable in life, and know what path to choose, it's not perfect yet but I'm going to a good direction so, I can say that I'm happy about it.

Hello, how are you?
So, a week ago I decided that I would do something with all of my free time in the afternoons. So I decided to create a youtube channel.
Right now I don't really know what path my channel will make or exactly what I will post about, since is a very fresh project in my life but, it's an idea that I always had in my mind.
Maybe I can use it to express my creativity and have fun, that's my main idea while I decided to finally create my youtube channel.
So, right now this is the only way that I can announce my channel, because my phone is broken and I don't have access to my instagram account.
My hopes are that soon I will be able to buy another phone and maybe a better one and can spread the word about my youtube channel.
Note that my english isn't perfect still, even talking but I'm trying very hard to improve that.
One kind of the videos that I want to make is like what  I make in this blog, wich is spreading positivity, and self-love, how to deal with problems, my experiences etc, but first I need to feel more confortable with speaking, and calm my nerves and shyness.
For me was always easier to write, even in my main language, than talking, I always think that I express myself better when I write than when I talk, but that is a thing that I aim to change.
Therefore, I hope to grow once more and be more confortable in my skin and hope you guys who reads my blog can help me out in this new journey.
I think I still have so much to say while I'm still learning how to live and while I grow and evolve. I still have so much energy inside me and so many ideas in my mind, that I have to put them out there.
So, thank you, who reads my blog and I hope to see you in my verryyy fresh and new YOUTUBE CHANNEL.

Link to my YOUTUBE Channel:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCssW69Z7Hdxr4kU1OV2Uysw

Love and Light

You are gold!

Sometimes someone is born different, with a different way of seeing this world, people, life itself.
The capability of having a open mind and explore other ways than the normal to me is a treasure, it was because of people like that that many things were discovered, because of people capable of thinking out of the box.
People that are genuine, pure with so much love inside them to share, with so many options to learn and one day teach.
Those people are the change, they are and think different for a reason, making the world a better place.
What "normal" people call them? Crazy, rebels, dreamers, imatures, people that don't know nothing, freaks, abnormals.
Being different and thinking different can be a curse, being a sensitive person can be a curse, because "normal" people will judge, will criticize, will put people aside just because they don't agree with "different" people beliefs, thoughts, ideas and opinions. That's why so many "different" persons are shy, are afraid to speak, apologize for give their own opinions, they apologize for being who they are and they try so hard to change, in order to people who are ignorant accept them.
They even start to believe that they really must be crazy, maybe they are the bad ones in this fucking story. 
And that makes good, different people turn into frustrated, depressed, anxious, scared people, who are afraid of being themselves in public and use their voice to stand up for themselves.
They close their real personality into a bubble, turning into a fake person walking among the other ones, because maybe that way nobody can mess with them.
While that, their inner light weakens, they push it to the bottom until it dims, they don't dare to shine.
Do you see how wrong is this? How twisted humans can be? How can you dare to shut a beautiful soul in a cage, how can you dare to try to screw up a treasure just because you don't see the value of it?
Because you can't open your fucking mind, and take time to educate yourself, to listen to others opinions, to evolve,you are the one who was brainwashed your entire life, you're the one who don't know nothing, you are the one who lives in a giant "normal" bubble, and don't even see the pain you're causing.

Life is much more than novels, tv shows, than knowing everything about others lives and criticize them.
Life is so much more than what clothes you wear, material goods, how rich you are or not, the real treasure are in your soul, in your mind, in your eyes.

Difference isn't bad, in a mad world preaching love, be sensitive and care for others isn't bad, have a little of innocence even when you are a grown up, to see life in a different way isn't wrong at all.
So, pease, if you are "different" and others are trying to make you feel bad about it, stand up for yourself and remember you should be the norm and not the exception.

Don't let them dim your beautiful light.

To all of those beautiful, pure souls out there, you all are gold, you are treasures and I love you all. Don't think even for a moment, you're the only one and you are alone, because there are so many sparks around the world.
We are connected!
Be Happy, be kind and belive in yourself!

Seeing life through lenses

Wow, 2 posts in the same week?! The girl must really be out of her mind.
Lately I've experienced a huge lack of inspiration, plus I've been feeling so tired because of work, that like I said in my previous post, my mind has been cloudy, foggy, sleepy.
But today, that aside I really wanted to do another post, sun is shinning outside, I feeling strong and my outfit of the day was cute (in my opinion haha).
What I did? I took pictures of myself, a little amateur photo shoot.

The only rose alive in our building garden

Do I have the right or best material? No! 
Do I have the best placement? No!
Do I have the best light? No!
Do I feel supeeerrrr cute? No!
Do I want to be a model? NOOO!

So why? Because like a lot of people, I enjoy doing this, I enjoy to play with my phone camera and photography is something that I really enjoy to do, since I was very young, capture moments to see in the future, is something precious to me, mostly because of my inner fear of loosing my memorie and not be able to remember anything when I get older.
Sometimes I really like the clothes that I'm wearing and the outfit itself so I just want to take pictures of it, and other times I'm feeling good about myself, so why not cheer that fact with photos, also I like to be able to see how much my face changes along time. 
Is it just me that likes that?!
I don't want necessary be a model, I don't think it could be a right job for me, but I like doing this for fun.
Since ages I've been waiting to buy a câmera, not necessary a really expensive one, but a good price-quality relation one and a tripod, because I really enjoy this hobby and sometimes I feel a little bit restricted by my lack of material, I know I would enjoy much more with a better camera than my poor phone camera with almost no picture quality, but I do the best that I can with what I have, with the sun light and so, and I continue, because this makes me feel good, creative.

No more rambling around, there are the pictures I took today.

Chaotic mind 

Sun shines, and sun don't, mind is broken and thoughts run around and around with no rest. Confusion in the brain and focus is starting to escape.
There is no stability right now, anywhere,the roots are starting to pull off the earth and letting go the ground, mind flies away so fast, no one can reach it. I know I am where I'm suppose to be right now but still, it's been a confusing trip.
I wish I could put a string on every thought and tie them down to me.

In a moment or another I just let go the anger inside me, the tiredness, the confusion in form of tears, because words can't express all of this in one way.
Tears are like the rain, both cleanse the environment, although I'm not sad, well sometimes I am, but you now I don't feel deeply sad as I used to, I mostly feel tired and a little stuck. And that is what I don't want to, I must not get stuck anywhere in my journey, I must continue to evolve.
The anger is starting to envolve my being, because my mind is blocking out the good thoughts and there is where I start feeling stuck. That's not a good place to be in.
Life is a beautiful journey, where you learn, you feel, you grow and you evolve and nowadays I constantly forget about it, about what I learned when I cleared out my mind.

Life isn't about the things you own, life isn't about how much money you have, is about moments, feelings, experiences, appreciate what you already have.
But our minds can be tricky, they can make you feel like you need a million things to be happier, or that you not doing enought to be where you need to.
We live in a superficial world right now, where all that matters is appearance, where people don't speak their minds because they don't want to be put aside, they all look the same because if not, they are not beautiful, where they all buy the same clothes and look like clones.

Sometimes I find someone who really inspires me, or thinks like me and I feel like if I could speak to that being and express all of what think, what I feel, and have a conversation in real life it would be a beautiful way of pass time, evolve, grow, but in my life I only have one person to do that, and most of his thoughts aren't as crazy as mine. But aside him, I don't know anyone with an open mind, with crazy thoughts, with interesting theories about life.
So my mind is starting to feel tired, sleepy, foggy. And that scares the shit out of me, because I don't want to come back to that place anymore in my life.
I hope sun starts shining soon, constantly, cause this cloudy days, sunny days and cloudy ones, sometimes even rainy ones, all in the same week aren't no good.
The energy floats and changes really fast, so there is no stability, and I  feel it deeply in my mind.


Be happy, be unique, be beautiful, just be the real you!

No matter how chaotic it is,

wildflowers will still spring up

in the middle of nowhere!

-Sheryl Crow

Never get stuck!

You can't always be happy, pain exists, sadness exists in this life, it's supposed to, makes you stronger, makes you wiser, you gain defenses in your mind, soul, essence, you have to figure how to live through the pain, the bad things, the sadness.
Strenght is when you know that you have problems but you wake up every day with a smile and you think, let's make a new day in our journey, let's continue to figure out things, let's find solutions to change whatever is making me sad, to change the path that I'm following, let's fight another day and make it awesome, grateful for the good things that we still have in our lives besides the bad ones or the problems we need to solve.

Appreciate the sadness in order to evolve!

It's like when you're a child and you're overprotected, you don't play outside, you don't get dirty, you don't play with earth, you don't do anything that may "hurt" you, the first time you get a flu you're body don't have defenses, doesn't know how to deal with the strange corps that is infecting your body. Pain, sadness, hard things to get through, they are the strange corps infecting your mind, your heart, your soul, your essence, if you have a easy life, overprotected, all given to you, the first time you are on your own, you have to obtain things by yourself, you have to get through hard situations, hard decisions, through pain and sadness, your mind doesn't know how to because you had never been prepared to deal with it.
You will want to run away to your safe zone, to your comfort.

That happened to me, even today I'm afraid of changes, I'm afraid of pain and fight, in the most traumatic moment of my life everything changed and I wasn't ready, although my life wasn't the easiest one and I had learned to fight, in that moment everything was ok, I didn't had big worries, I was fine and I though I had everything figure it out.
But life wanted to show me another lesson, I still had much to learn and evolve (I still have tho) and I wasn't ready for that, I had no defenses to that, to changes, to really be by myself and do the right decisions and really fight for my path, be an adult, because I was only 16  years old.
So,errr, I didn't have responsability, I did bad choices, I've fall, but I didn't blamed myself for the mistakes I've made, that was my biggest mistake. It was my fault, I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to have to work, I wanted the utopia created in my head.
I wanted no responsabilities, and life teached me, without responsability you can't be happy, you can't go to places, you can't have stability, you can't have food, money, a home.
You are responsible to create your own path, you are responsible for your actions and your decisions, not everyone else, no one have the obligation to take care of yourself if you don't want to. You have to do it for yourself.
You have to have the guts to fight, because this life isn't easy by herself, don't make it harder.

So, yes, even today I'm afraid of changes, challenges, pain. 
I'm afraid of being alone, because my brain sometimes still thinks that I need someone to take care of me, sure everyone needs someone that takes time to give us love, kind words, and advices as we need to do the same, but as I said no one have to be responsible for your decisions, actions, choices, no one have to take the responsability that you don't want. And sometimes my brain is 5 years old and just doesn't function as an adult,errr.
I'm afraid of changes because I'm afraid of challenges, I have to put myself out there and get out of my confort zone, that happens mostly when I have to go to a new work, I don't like the confrontation of being something new to me, new people, new tasks, being such a shy person, it freaks me out.

But as time goes by and I get older and evolve I realize it gets easier to put me on those situations and fight my fears and proceed, I just know that it is something it has to be done, I can't avoid work just because I don't like people or I can't avoid work just because I don't feel like working today. No, it's my responsability to go, to do my best and almost not acknowledge the obstacles, in the end of the day, I must be proud of myself and not take care of others thoughts and opinions about me, because I am trying to make a living, I am trying to create my path, I am teaching myself and evolving, and most of those people who take their time to criticize you they are stuck in a blind state of mind, they don't know better.
So why should I take my time, the time that I need to create myself, my path, my life, and care about those opinions from people that think they know me just because I say a few words and work with them. No!
Those people have a purpose to your life, teach you that the best we keep for ourselves, we have to show just a tiny part of what we are entirely, don't give them even the chance to ruined what you've been creating inside of you, they don't know you!

I'm afraid of pain, because pain hurts obviously, not physical pain (although that scares me to) but psychological pain, my biggest fear is to lose the ones that I love, my family, human and animal ones.
But death is part of life, we can't carry this body over and over till forever, we must proceed to another state.
But still, is hard to me to accept this one, because I've experienced that pain, and it is a task I need to work on, although I don't think a lot about it.
And maybe that's the main problem, I don't accept it because I avoid to deal with it.

Anyway, it must exist balance in everything, happiness and sadness, good and bad moments, in order to our strenght grows, in order to our soul steps up on another level, to evolution occur.
Educate yourself, learn your lessons in the bad but also in the good moments, apreciate all your challenges, and never but never let yourself get stuck, always find a way to continue.

No matter what, don't give up!

The human being has strengths that even him doesn't know he have.
Bad things happen all the time in our lives or for a reason or another we feel tired.
Our mind starts to feel weak, our body wants to shut down.
In these moments we feel desperate, anxious, with fear, nothing seems to work out the way we need.
It is in these moments that we must be strong, we must fight the tiredness, we must go on no matter what. Sure, it is important to rest, to take time to treat ourselfs, we are not machines and even them need some maintenance and sometimes need to be repaired.
The point is we should not give up on things, just because 
we are tired or it's to hard to do. 
Nothing is impossible to do if we put our minds in to it, if it's hard, push harder, in the end you will be stronger, you've learned a new skill, you climbed one level up.
Life is like a game,if we give up, all the effort that we've made till now will fall apart and that's a terrible thing to happen.
All of this is a lesson for me to, I'm tired, working 14 days without a day off is a mental challenge, my brain shuts down sometimes, but I wont give up, hopefully tomorrow it's the last day before my so needed day off.
It has been the longests 14 days ever, so many times I wanted to break and say, this is not for me, I can't handle it, I can't go to work because my body hurts, I want to stay home sleeping. But I don't want to feel guilty because of doing that, I've reached so many years ago, a new level of responsability that even tired and hurt I prefer to go to work than simply don't go. 
I guess I've learned how to adulting, eh eh!
What I can do is try to rest when I have the time, treat myself, eat better, hydrate myself and fight, put my mind in to it, teach myself that if it is hard I will be stronger and finally that I can do it.
It's the only way that dreams come true, you don't expect that they just happen, you have to work.
So, keep the hard work, keep pushing because one day, the tree will give you fruits.