Monday, April 25, 2016

War, Fire and Explosion

How good it will be to do what we really like.
How good it will be to be the person you're really born to be.

All she knew was fight, all her life she had fought to be here, since she was a little child. Running from a land to another to find her place in the world, to find herself.
All the little things she had conquered, she had fought for them, it was hard to continue the battle but still she fought again.
She saw the time pass by her, day by day, another morning waking up feeling lost.
What direction to take, what to do with life?

She found another warrior to be next to her in the battle and she found her place next to him, until this day they fight together for a better life, a life where they can live happy without the stress of daily life, where they have time to rest, and time to each other.
Right now they are so young and old at same time and they are so tired.
Why they have to move moutains to conquer everything that they wish?
Why to cut of the wings, and put chains on legs?

She saw fire inside, waiting to burn, she saw the explosion waiting to blow sometime, but life always contain all.
The fault isn't of life itself, but the things that happen around her.
Maybe after all there is no right place for the warrior, no right path, may have no great things planned for them, maybe they have to continue fighting over and over only for surviving till life ends.


Saturday, April 23, 2016

To be or not to be?!

Today I want to talk about one very sensitive topic.
And maybe in the middle I will go around some others I don't really know cause I'll write as long as I think.
So, GAY LOVE or Gay Marriage. LOVE!
Today I had a little conversation with a person that is well educated, intelligent, who have a good life, have money, and supposedly have great values, and this person profession it's to teach and prepare children for the future, to prepare our next generation.
But her idea of gay persons was surprisingly, this person mind it's so closed about this topic, I don't even imagine about other topics.
She was like Oh! I don't understand, it's confusing to me how can be possible, and the gay marriage should be forbidden because it's not the natural law of things, if the bases of Humanity were based on people with the same gender together it was not possible to you or me to be here today, to us to be born, the conception of another being loses the sense.
The only thing that I was capable of saying was: This is your opinion, and opinions diverge.
I didn't wanted to discuss with this person, cause I'm too afraid of discuss sensitive topics with closed mind persons. 
But, Forbidden?
Why in hell, people can't choose in what way to live happier?
Doesn't matter if you love a woman or a men. Doesn't matter what color you're skin is and so on.
It shouldn't not matter at all, what should matter it's what makes us to live life happier.
Real love isn't easy to find, if people are capable to find it in different ways, what's the fucking problem?
In what way does it affects you?
I could care less if you're gay, if you're skin color is different or your weight is different, if you're leg is shorter than the other, if you're don't have eyebrows (this is my personal case, I was born without eyebrows and body hair, and didn't had hair until my 6th birthday, and then hair grow up in areas, till today, I have my head full of hair, with some non-hair spots but you can't see it unless I show that to you, and my eyebrows have developed a little.)
I would only care if you are a bad or a good person.
And it's not a current fashion like this person said, no, people are beginning to change their mentality, to accept their inner self, to freely express themselves, and at an earlier age, because they aren't afraid anymore, that's how it should be!
Why you have to be afraid of being YOU?
Everybody is different, even the so called "normal persons", they are different, each individual is different, in tastes, in way of living, in way of dressing, in way of feeling, I like black and purple, you may like bright pink, it's ok, I don't like the color but I'll not judge you because you love bright pink, because it's not going to affect me in any way.
I didn't had anyone to teach me these things, I was raised by my grandparents, and to them seeing a couple kissing was the end of the world, but by introspection I've learned naturally. I was judged so many times for being different, I still am today, but now I've learning, in baby steps to not care, and to not be judgmental about other people.
It was growing with me, this idea that everybody deserves to be HAPPY! Everybody deserves to be, to do what makes them HAPPY!
Each being is unique and this life is way too short to waste the happiness, the LOVE, to be afraid of being who we are.
So, find yourself, accept yourself, be yourself,be loved in any way, because you DESERVE it, you deserve to enjoy this life.
Ignore the people who are full of crap, that pretend to be the most correct people and in the end, they don't know anything, because their minds are so closed.
P.S.: I'm not gay,but I defend equality for everyone, I defend LOVE and HAPPINESS!

Lot of love and kisses

Saturday, April 9, 2016

What's left of me

I used to be that girl with a easy smile on her face,
I used to be that girl who laugh about everything,
I used to be that girl that wanted to make everyone smile and laugh,
I used to be that girl who cared about everyone.
I wanted to change the world,
I wanted to save everything,
I wanted to be different,
I wanted to be free.

I had many dreams,
I used to dream awake.
I was shy but not at the level I am today,
it got a lot worst.
I wanted to live my life fully and enjoy it.
I was searching for myself but I felt I was in the right way.
I used to be that girl who didn't care what people would think about me.
I accepted my flaws and for once I used to think that I was pretty, I was enough, I had personality, I was someone, I felt like someone.
I transformed myself in what I wanted to be and it felt right, until a moment when everything got broken. I've became broken, I suppressed all my dreams, all my beliefs, in order to grow up.
I ended by losing myself...because I thought it was the right way, I didn't know how to grow and still be me so I pushed everything, that I thought and was told me that was wrong, away from me.
Everything changed in me, even the way I dressed before, I was told that was wrong, wasn't social normal way to dress, and I just went in the flow.
Because I needed to grow that's a fact and I did it, but I was so focused on the way of people wanted and expected me to be that I forgot about everything I was, and my dreams.
Today I feel old, lost, confused, empty, I feel like I can't make mistakes, I can't go wrong, I've to be adult. I look in the mirror and I don't recognise myself, I feel ugly.
When I try to find myself,I feel nothing and what I 've been and what I am now clash, I wanted to become a little more like I was before, but my mind only say that that time is over, it's no return way.
I'm getting older and older and I feel I've not done anything with my life, just the normal, work, having a house and maybe one day I'll get a child.
I want this, and then I want more, to travel, to pursuit something, to be able to conquer something that I don't know what is anymore.
I'm very young yet, it's supposed to make mistakes in order to learn, to grow, I feel like I can't or I will lose everything. I can't choose what I want to be because I just have to have money to survive, and the time to choose it's long gone.
So, what I'm I? 
My name is Neka, I'm 24 years old, my birthday is in November, I'm a mother of a bunny, one hamster and three turtles, I have my own house and no friends apart of my husband.
But this defines me as a person? 
Where is the fuel that makes my life run like it used to be?
What's left of me?
Apart of the insecurities, the shyness, who's got worse, the broken mind and fucked up brain, nothing much more was left to see.
I'm a child again, lost, insecure, afraid of everything, afraid of being left alone, afraid of the future, afraid of death,afraid of not be enough and don't do enough.
Afraid of making mistakes.
Afraid of being a mistake.
Just like when I was little.
This is me! A child in the adults world.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Respect and Boundaries

Every time I want to express myself, by writing in here or talking to people, I get super nervous.
But I have to because other way I just fill my mind with thoughts and I feel like a bomb-clock.
Today I want to talk about respect and personal space.
Why do people tend to be meddlesome, and even if they don't know you well. 
Example: if they see you talking to someone, and you act in a certain way, or you allowed the person you're talking with act in a certain way with you, people automatically assume they can do the same thing! They can ask you personal things, make jokes, or trying to interact with you in the same way that the other person was doing.
NO! You can't! Cause you don't know me! And I'm not allowing YOU to know me, because something in you didn't inspire truth or confidence about you! Because I don't know you enough to talk about me and I don't trust you enough to make jokes or play with you. 
I'm protecting myself from you, because I don't know if you are a truthful person and you not gonna tell another person what I told you. I need my time to observe you and decide if I want to be your "friend", plus I suffer from anxiety, so it's not easy for me to talk to you person, and I don't know how to interact with you if you tell me a stupid joke, because more likely I'm not gonna find it funny, and I'm gonna look to you and you gonna put me a label of stupid or dumb.
So I prefer to know well a person before I interact in that way.

If I feel that I can trust, I will talk, I will allow a person to know me better, I will talk in a "normal" way, but I still don't do jokes, unless I'm super comfortable in my skin in that moment, because in the next minute I can get super nervous or shy and I close in myself again. So just because you work with me like a month or two don't think you know me, because we didn't interact enough for that, don't think you can treat me in a certain way or force a relationship with me.

Cause that's not gonna happen if you continue to act like that.

I can get personality from a person right away, and later you can surprise me but more and less I don't get wrong about a person.

If you come to me in the first day you interact with me just to talk about yourself and you just want brag about what you do and what you are, never shut and not even let me speak a complete sentence, I get angry, upset and the next time you try to talk to me, or I hear you and ignore what you saying completely or I avoid approaching you.
I don't get it, if you approach someone that you don't know and you even let the person interact with you, what's the fucking point?!
I hate when people do that. I like to talk and I like to interact with you if you're talking to me. That's why we call that a conversation, right?!
And you do all this with me, like one time or two and then what you do?
You pass all the boundaries of my personal space that I didn't gave YOU permission to cross.
Like stupid jokes or physical contact and fake affection. I don't react very well to physical contact by stranger persons,if it's a children for me it's ok, I work with children in the moment so... I like children, I don't mind, but a stranger adult nhé! I can't stand, and sometimes when I know the person a little bit more even in that time I feel reluctant to express physical affection. I'll allow it if I feel you as a good person right away, but I allow it with a little bit of fear too. In this theme I compare myself with those little children who don't trust in adults. Or a animal that was hurt by humans and you have to conquer his affection.
So,you come to hug me, and have stupid plays with me, you don't know me, you don't have my permission to do it, because I know you don't even care about me and most important, you don't RESPECT me!

I don't have patience for people like this, but they sure make me mad.

People who are fake, talk trash about you and judge you beyond your back and in the front try to seem good people
I can't stand! I don't fall in that trap again, now days i'm very aware of people like this.

 So, I hope this made sense.