Saturday, April 9, 2016

What's left of me

I used to be that girl with a easy smile on her face,
I used to be that girl who laugh about everything,
I used to be that girl that wanted to make everyone smile and laugh,
I used to be that girl who cared about everyone.
I wanted to change the world,
I wanted to save everything,
I wanted to be different,
I wanted to be free.

I had many dreams,
I used to dream awake.
I was shy but not at the level I am today,
it got a lot worst.
I wanted to live my life fully and enjoy it.
I was searching for myself but I felt I was in the right way.
I used to be that girl who didn't care what people would think about me.
I accepted my flaws and for once I used to think that I was pretty, I was enough, I had personality, I was someone, I felt like someone.
I transformed myself in what I wanted to be and it felt right, until a moment when everything got broken. I've became broken, I suppressed all my dreams, all my beliefs, in order to grow up.
I ended by losing myself...because I thought it was the right way, I didn't know how to grow and still be me so I pushed everything, that I thought and was told me that was wrong, away from me.
Everything changed in me, even the way I dressed before, I was told that was wrong, wasn't social normal way to dress, and I just went in the flow.
Because I needed to grow that's a fact and I did it, but I was so focused on the way of people wanted and expected me to be that I forgot about everything I was, and my dreams.
Today I feel old, lost, confused, empty, I feel like I can't make mistakes, I can't go wrong, I've to be adult. I look in the mirror and I don't recognise myself, I feel ugly.
When I try to find myself,I feel nothing and what I 've been and what I am now clash, I wanted to become a little more like I was before, but my mind only say that that time is over, it's no return way.
I'm getting older and older and I feel I've not done anything with my life, just the normal, work, having a house and maybe one day I'll get a child.
I want this, and then I want more, to travel, to pursuit something, to be able to conquer something that I don't know what is anymore.
I'm very young yet, it's supposed to make mistakes in order to learn, to grow, I feel like I can't or I will lose everything. I can't choose what I want to be because I just have to have money to survive, and the time to choose it's long gone.
So, what I'm I? 
My name is Neka, I'm 24 years old, my birthday is in November, I'm a mother of a bunny, one hamster and three turtles, I have my own house and no friends apart of my husband.
But this defines me as a person? 
Where is the fuel that makes my life run like it used to be?
What's left of me?
Apart of the insecurities, the shyness, who's got worse, the broken mind and fucked up brain, nothing much more was left to see.
I'm a child again, lost, insecure, afraid of everything, afraid of being left alone, afraid of the future, afraid of death,afraid of not be enough and don't do enough.
Afraid of making mistakes.
Afraid of being a mistake.
Just like when I was little.
This is me! A child in the adults world.

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